It’s kind of funny when, as a married person, you hear the kind of things single people often say about marriage.
I have long argued that, one, there is more talk about marriage outside of it than inside it, essentially for the same reason: single people, like everyone else God created to last forever, tend to suddenly become utopian, dreamy, and ideal about life unseen ahead and often, sadly, become paralyzed from taking the next step beneath their nose.
Sometimes to the point of annually lingering around simple immediate actions like deciding to tell a girl you’ve always liked, “Babe, I am thinking of making this friendship more permanent.”.
Two, singles (yes, you are my target today) are more likely than they care to admit to believing the prosperity gospel. Yes, they will argue, “it is wrong,” but their romantic expectations will later contradict what they have just said, simply because they tend to equate marriage’s high call with “a better life.”
For some strange reason, I have talked to more single people in the last few days than I usually do in a week. In one of my last discussions, I spoke with Joshua, a wise young single friend of mine, and our chat concluded on a few things. I am eager to hear your thoughts on the issues raised here.
All factors constant, most romantic delays are built on the mystical, even sentimental idea that when you meet someone you are to spend life with forever, you will “somehow know.”
Joshua and I seemed to think, “No, you won’t “just know”—you have to say, if you are a guy, you will need to say something, something often scary, something like, “Have you thought about us walking towards making this thing permanent?”. (Feel free to edit, dude.)
If you are the young woman on the receiving end of this nearly extinct male courage, you should not be satisfied with mere stomachs in the butterfly—sorry, butterflies in the stomach. You will have to go to your apartment, close the door behind you, pray, return and talk to mature Christian friends, and possibly take back an answer after considering how to relay it, hopefully with both emotion and reason.
Speaking of “reason,” part of the problem, Josh and I agreed, appears to be that most single people are not comfortable accepting the Bible’s minimum standard for a potential spouse, which is that you should not be unequally yoked.
Instead, extra standards are imposed on both men and women, such as (measureless) financial stability and arrogant presumptuousness, -like I will marry when I am ready (as if potential brides wait there in line, waiting for your stability bell to ring)
For young women, “a more mature man”, as if maturity is a destination rather than a journey, or “a financially secure” man, assuming you understand the broken line of relationships he has endured on his way to “financial stability.”
After 8 years of marriage to Rhionah, the only way I knew (and know) she was (and is) the one meant for me was because I “opened my mouth” and spoke, asking her to join me on this journey of discovering what God had in store for us doing life together, Nothing was clear (for crying out loud, I was a fourth-year penniless student)
Of course, neither of us has had a seamless union, but that is exactly my point: no postponing or dreaming will save you from the problems that both single and married men face; instead, rethink the excuse you have long used to avoid commitment and act by speaking up, or provoking intention, if you are the latter.
To the young woman in this situation, wrestle with what he is told you, toss aside or reconsider your romantic notions of “I will somehow know,” go to God, talk to community, and give a straight answer to the fella who just endured a sweaty brow getting proactive in this indecisive desert.
The sacrifice of Christ for his church was not a halfhearted effort, and if our marriages are supposed to pattern that, then maybe starting with the way we “fall in love”, is a good start.
Eight years of marriage have taught me that we will all be better for it. Hopefully, they will be on your side as well.
