See, there is a local proverb here about a fisherman who later despises the boat that successfully got him ashore, (akivaamu yakiyita ekyaato) — eventually dismissing it as “meagerly helpful.” 

Image: XL/pexels.com

I feel like that’s how many of us marrieds are, having crossed the once tumultuous waters of long bachelor/rette days featuring late Rolex stands, heartbreaks, and awkward restaurant conversations, we often abandon those fresh into these relationship things, to drown in the waves of gushing romantic waves.

We (or at least I, after 10 years of marriage) easily forget how long those nights in my single room were, having got a cold, (sometimes iced) shoulder from a supposedly Christian damsel, despite multiple one-liners spent rehearsing. 

So rather than get abandoned to the common solo, individualistic and undercover romantic moves, (where you chase down your girl remotely and die or rise alone when she responds – as if there is no spiritual community to surround) I sense many Gen Z males especially, could use some unsolicited community encouragement, especially towards intentional long-term commitment, precisely – marriage. 

Something with an imperfect script like… 

1. Befriend, befriend, befriend. Until you prayerfully identify a lonely deer in the open fields, (figurative please) – that God’s providence brings you. Hopefully equally yoked is your bare minimum criteria at this point. 

2. ⁠Alert your spiritual mentors/community that your “moves” are in full gear and now getting more “targeted” than before, Proverbs 11:14 says “Victory is won through many advisors” – of course having rehearsed how solid your identity is, in Christ, regardless of the outcome.

3. Proceed with clarity and full artillery, one-liners, tact, personality strengths (weaknesses too – if Christ is your centre), plus all the externalities your Gen Z mate prefers – petals and peaches, why not? As long as you communicate long-term vision, in that often awkward conversation only you are built to initiate, yet tempted to delay.

(You at this point soon discover the question, “Can we explore making this journey permanent?“(or whatever your version) as the deepest emotionally clarifying thing they longed to hear from you, all this time!)

(Or perhaps she’s never considered the question’s weight at all, either way, in the spirit of “love being actionable” – let them “die with it”) yours is to wisely “sow the seed” in an often passive male culture that often does more gesturing, than guiding, (especially in many Friend zones where feelings are already in gear, yet ambiguity is the norm)

4. Retreat to community/mentor and be ready to proceed surrounded as you await “election results”. whatever the outcome, keep your community in the loop. Don’t die alone, (Adam’s sin is already trying to kill you anyway) – watch for the temptations of “pride” around this point. Pride if you are let down, pride if you get the green light. 

5. ⁠Regroup and be ready to review and head to the open fields again,  if you are called to marriage, in the context of community, and your identity is not in it, why not try again bro?

If green-lighted, why not continue with the community you started with? – Must we add- that, if green-lighted, don’t set unrealistic timelines either, many are the troubles of drawn-out dating and courtships, and why start what you do not intend to close off sooner?  

Sure, there is no one straight “step by step” PDF guide to getting married, yet all healthy marriage journeys (at least those that seek to glorify God) require some level of intentionality — on “bros side” to be specific.

So man, my goal is to catalyze, yours should be to activate, deal? 

(That said, fellow marrieds, I’m eager to hear a sketch of what your journey towards the aisle looked like, we can keep editing as we go along, see?)

Grace to you all!