It struck me the other day reading Derek Kidner’s comment on Psalm 51, that King David’s transgression was birthed in self absorption (Set Uriah at the forefront —2 Sam 11) and escaped through God centredness (against you and you alone have I sinned —Ps 51:4) I could relate, because I rarely see my lurings as self absorption too, I rarely see the self as the driving force behind my waywardness.
It doesn’t help that the generation I live in romanticizes the “self” as if it’s the highest virtue. No wonder I don’t see through it.
I am empowered about freedom of expression so I ignore the fact that my tongue can “set a forest on fire” (James 3:5) , destroying my relationships, masking apologies to my wife, gossiping against fellow church members.
I am educated about my human rights and I forget my body is not my own (1 Cor 6:19), as I watch the actions of my body disparage Christ, destroy my family, and ultimately disorient me too.
My single self is sold the lie of consensual sex as I ignore the reality that nothing private is actually going on there, but like Joseph, I am going to be doing “a wicked thing against God” (Gen 39:9) and my own body, (1 Cor 6:18) let alone against man.
Every aspect of the “self” today is celebrated and embraced as virtue yet God remains at odds with the deepest person within I often give reign over my impulses.
Not that he is against me, but Jesus who lived a perfect life on my behalf also understands that this is a road I can no longer afford to insist taking, without consequences.
Simplistic arguments for human freedom tend to encourage us to never “resist our nature”, but what if as a Christian, you and me have the capacity to distinguish our conflicting natures, old and new?
Next time you are encouraged to listen to an inner voice, remember the heart is deceitfully wicked ( Jer 17:9), next time you want to do what you want, remember, even your deepest wants, unless sanctified by grace, are polluted by sin.
Someone in my circles was encouraging a mate to follow her “inner child” the other day, a fact that reminded me even under such sentiment, recalling that “folly is bound up in the heart of a child and only the road of instruction can take it out” (Prov 22:15) — is liberating.
As you can see, not even the most well-meaning sentiments of our generation pass the criteria set by Jesus, namely, that whoever wants to gain his life must lose it, (Matt 16:25) that unless a grain falls to the ground, it cannot bear much fruit, (John 12:24) that whoever must follow him must “carry his cross,” (Luke 14:27). even if that cross looks like denying what those around me uphold as ultimate self-discovery.
It seems as if you don’t learn to follow Jesus until you realize the deepest part of who you are, ought to be crucified. You realize that essentially, by asking us to “remove the eye that sins” (Matt 18:9), Jesus actually often hammers away at my deepest “dear” distorted self, summoning me to mutilate my deepest disordered loves, for my own good and his glory.
Because, come to think of it, my sin loves to grow when I am thinking lots about my self.
